As much as I'd like to bury my head on the subject and not believe anything's wrong, there is something wrong. Many of you know Paul and I have been trying to start a family for a while now. Actually, we're fast approaching the 1 1/2 year mark with no luck. Nothing.
We've thought of everything in our power to do or not do to help our efforts along, and nothing. We've taken friends' advice, from the simple "just relax! don't think so much about it and have fun!" To the crazy "just get really drunk and it will happen." Okay, while I admit we never got really drunk and tried to start a family, we have on occasion shared a bottle of wine...and that's plenty for us.
Anyway, I'm tired of the "just give it time and relax" advice. Tried that. Didnt work. I dont really believe anyway that it makes that huge of a difference. If people with anorexia, people who are bipolar, those who eat McDonalds for EVERY meal and never take prenatals can get pregnant...(some a few too many times without planning), then surely we could make it happen, with an occasional time of stress.
So, I finally took the hardest step I could take today, by scheduling an appointment with an ob/gyn to discuss what to do next with possible male or female infertility. There, I said it- "infertility." You know how hard it is to admit you have a problem? Verrrry hard. Especially something like this, where it is something you so desperately want - a family.
Anyway, so I have an appointment for the 13th of October to start more involved testing. Dont know what will come of it. Who knows, maybe we'll have to adopt if we want kids!? I'm up for it, but it will take a lot of discussion to get Paul to agree to that. I think he is fearful of ending up with a kid with major emotional or behavioral problems. Legitimate concerns, I know, and I have my own concerns, but adoption is certainly something I hope we agree to consider if things dont go how we were hoping.
As humiliating as it feels to finally take this step, I'm glad I did it. You've got to start somewhere when you have an issue that could be just an easy fix. But you'll never know until you take that first step and admit you need help.
whoa, lex. that is a really big step. you're right- it's NEEEEEEVER easy to admit when there is a problem, especially when it's something you don't have control over, because it then has a way of making us feel very small, very incapable, and very "not in control"...that's always the toughest time to admit that something isn't right. that's how i felt about lilah's birth not going the way i wanted it to from the start-- it was very frustrating and made me feel like i had absolutely no control- or even the slightest influence- over what would happen. it's a scary, unsettling feeling, right? BUT-- many said it to me when i was frustrated with how lilah would enter the world, and it rings true in your situation too: it's a constant reminder that this illusion we have about being in control is exactly that- an illusion. we couldn't have become pregnant without god's timing and provision. we couldn't have even brought the girl into the world under any circumstances other than his circumstances. it may not be the way you imagined everything would go, or the way you want it to go, but this may just plain and simple be the plan God has for you and paul...and baby-yet-to-be-named. :)
ReplyDeletepaul is right to worry that there could be some emotional issues with an adopted little one...BUT, and this is a big but...rather than turning and heading the opposite direction of adopting a little guy or gal, how awesome would it be to take that on and do what you guys can to make that little person's life overflow with love, routine/predictability (what they need!), reliability, and so much more?! the job wouldn't be easy, but it would be very rewarding and you guys would be absolute heroes in my eyes. just my thoughts.
i'm praying for you guys- that no matter the outcome and no matter the solution to fill that void- that in the end it will give you the peace and fulfillment you're aching for. i love you two.
Thanks E! It really has lifted a burden in a way just to get "it" out there. Some of our friends already know, but just talking more about it kind of relieves me in some ways. Partly because I know we can start (hopefully) getting answers from the ob/gyn as to why it's taking so long. Partly because it's just hard to keep it all in and hope everything is going to be fine when it's not been ok.
ReplyDeleteAppreciate you praying for us! We need all the hope, patience , strength we can get!!! :)
Hi Alexa,
ReplyDeletesorry to hear about the struggles that both you and Paul are facing in this area. It is not easy. I know the difficulty I had carry Gabe as well as, his birth. We have been trying for a 2nd child for a year and now have not been successful so far. I yearn for more children and the thought of him being the only child is very disappointing to say the least. But I am extremely thankful. I know that our situations are not exactly the same, but I know frustration!! I have compassion for you and Paul. I also go to the ob/gyn on Oct 8th to figure out what is going. So I will be remembering you in my prayers. We send hugs to you and Paul.
Karen! So good to hear from you! Thank you SO much for letting me know what's going on with you guys. Guess we'll be going through this "together" in a way. Let me know how things go at your appointment. I'll be praying for you guys on this journey.
ReplyDeleteHey Alexa, I will be keeping you up to date. I do know that I could allow my mind to go many places on this issue, but do my best not too. I said the same thing about those that can have a baby without prenatal care. Not take care of their bodies, and they are fine and thank God the baby comes out doing great! I just can't let myself go there....Anyway lets see where this journey takes you and Paul, and me and Chuck. Then whatever the outcome see how we can allow it to add something good to our lives in some way. A friend who wants to take up kick boxing where it makes it okay to punch stuff..lol!
ReplyDeleteHi there,
ReplyDeletemy exam today went good. I liked my doctor a lot! I am a first time patient there. It has been hard finding someone near by that I felt was able to be comfortable with. I think I made a match. I had my blood drawn today. I usually prefer that any day, than the other things they do to you, which I won't mention here. They took 10 test tubes full ( I am not exaggerating either). I guess I will be tested for everything known to man. So, we will see! Anyway, I hope all goes well for you on Wednesday!
Glad to hear things went well. When do you find out the results of the blood draws? By the way, that's a TON of blood! Wonder why they wanted so much. Appreciate your note and keep me updated on how things go!
ReplyDelete